Unfortunately, many people in the LGBTQ+ world suffer discrimination and invisibilisation, but mostly it happens with the trans community, which leads to a lot of confusion and ignorance about their experience. This leads to doubts about their process, about what it means to be trans, about their genitalia… but it’s not always appropriate to ask them about their identity! In today’s article, we are going to show you what not to ask a transgender person 😉.

What does it mean to be trans?

The term “trans” refers to a person whose identity doesn’t correspond to the identity they were assigned at birth. This means that there isn’t just one way of being trans, but as many as there are people in the world. The complementary term would be cis, which refers to people whose identity does correspond to the identity they were assigned at birth. 

Maybe you haven’t read this definition before and you have doubts about what it means to be trans, and if you know someone you feel like asking them personal questions, but stop! We’re going to tell you some questions NOT to ask a trans person.

Questions not to ask a trans person

“Are you undergoing surgery?”

This is a very typical question that transgender people are asked. We assume that asking someone we don’t know about their genitalia is invasive: Would you ask your driving instructor about it? Would you ask the fishmonger if they have a vulva or a penis? These questions are out of place, make transgender people feel uncomfortable, and reduce identity to genitalia when it’s much more than “hormones and surgery”.

Many trans people decide to undergo genital reassignment or hormone treatment to accommodate their body to their identity, and many others don’t undergo any treatment or intervention because they are comfortable with their body. Both examples are trans people, neither is better than the other. Just as no two cis people are the same, no two trans people are the same: there is no one way to be trans!

“When did you know you were trans?”

On the surface it may seem like a harmless question but, as in the previous case, it’s a question that can be invasive and reduce the person to their experience of searching for their gender identity. If you were a cis person and you were asked “when you realized you were cis”, would you find it a strange question? Exactly, it’s the same. 

To continue to evolve as an open-minded society and create safer spaces we need to stop treating trans realities as otherness, as queer or weird: they’ve been here for a long time, they’re just more visible now and safer spaces are emerging. If you feel like getting to know a trans person, you don’t need to ask them about their identity process – they are much more than that! 😉

“Maybe you are just gay/lesbian/bisexual?”

This is a common confusion that is easily explained: sexual orientation and sexual identity aren’t the same things. Orientation refers to sexual attraction, who you like and are attracted to, which we refer to with the labels “heterosexual”, “asexual”, “bisexual”… Sexual identity refers to how you identify yourself, it can be “male”, “female”, “non-binary gender”… and it can also correspond to the identity you were assigned at birth (“cis”) or not (“trans”). Trans people have a sexual identity (they can be male, female, non-binary gender…) and an orientation (homosexual, asexual, heterosexual…) just like cis people!

👉 A bit lost with SHE/HE/THEY? Check our article about tips for addressing a non-binary person!

“What is your birth name? Can I see pictures from before your transition?”

For many trans people, their birth name and their past can become a source of anxiety and distress and a trigger. The name they currently use should always be respected. In fact, many trans people consider that they have been ‘born again’ the moment they start living their lives as their true gender.

Asking to see photos just to make a ‘before and after’ or ‘pre-op or post’ comparison is pure morbidity. We should never share ‘before’ photos of a trans person without their consent.

“How do you have sex?”

Just as it’s inappropriate to ask anyone about their genitalia and/or sex life, asking trans people such questions is also inappropriate! If they want to talk about it, they will, but out of politeness… it’s just not cool to ask such things out of the blue.

“Which toilets do you use?”

Trans women use the women’s toilets and trans men use the men’s toilets. Trans people use the bathrooms of the gender they identify with. Yes! It’s that easy 😉

So now that you know the 6 questions you shouldn’t ask when you met a transgender, we recommend you to always be nice to each other and make LGBTQ+ people feel comfortable when having a conversation and everything will go smooth!